Better Off Broken

Perhaps-

How do I say this?

Perhaps we have to swim in sadness.

Perhaps we are destined to take the road less traveled.

Perhaps we are to kiss pain, again and again.

Perhaps agony is our closest friend.

Perhaps we are children of darkness.

Perhaps we must not get out of the rabbit hole.

Perhaps we function best in sorrow.

Perhaps bitterness keeps our drive running.

Perhaps we were made to be shattered and scattered.

Perhaps all our paths lead to a dead end

Perhaps we were born to be alone.

Perhaps we are better off-

What’s the word?

Broken?

Perhaps.

 

Just One Stick

“Just one stick”

I mutter to myself

I can’t let go of Nicotine

Like I can’t let go of you

It keeps me sane

It keeps you with me

In my baffled head

My shattered heart

My shriveled lungs

Heaving

Heaving

But you are with me

And those memories

Burning

Like the tip of the cigarette

Fading

Blown away

Like the smoke that comes with it

Consumed to tip

Like my clench on reality

“Just…one last”

This will not be the first I have said that

In Need of a Friend

Dearest Madeline,

I feel like I’ve been chased and ripped apart by wolves.

Last night, he was just with me, sweet as sugar, comforting as warm milk. Now, he’s gone. Never to return again, perhaps.

I am reacquainted with this heaviness in my chest. I can feel the void eating my heart from the inside. Hollow, my heart has become, so it seems. Don’t you find it funny, that something is missing, yet it feels as though the weight of the world is strapped upon your back? I never got that whole concept.

I can not fathom how the same person who brought me back summer, now took the sun, and left me out in the cold. Absurd. Cruel, even.

Madie, I was the side dish to his main course. It was her from the very beginning, her ’til the end. Is that all I will ever be? Someone’s confused choice? A trial and error girl?

I was skeptical, you know? I was afraid to get attached, afraid to get hurt for the billionth time, afraid I might end up as the wrong choice. But I gave it a shot, took the risk, gave in to the notion of love, in the hope that this time will be different. I had hoped that it would not leave me shattered, and scattered in the pavement, like road kill.

Why is my happiness always so short-lived? Shorter than normal.

He can never get over her smile. I mean, who can blame him? She’s top shelf. But alas, that was pretty low, even for him. How could he have given me so much to hold on to, when, right from the start, he was unsure of how he felt about me? Did he even like me?

All these thoughts are flooding my senses. I can not see the sunshine, though it is day. I can not hear the sweet music the birds used to sing. I can not feel the warmth of another’s embrace. I can not smell the fragrant flowers in the garden. I can not taste the sweetness of this chocolate cake, I am now eating.

Nothing.

I feel empty.

                                                                                                                                                                         Your Friend,

    Beatrice

P.S. I wish you were here beside me, sitting in the coffee shop, drinking tea, and banishing all our worries.

Christmas and Half a Heart

20th of December.

It is 5 days ’til Christmas. I know you’ll turn around. I know you will, I can feel it. 

 

23rd of December.

Geez, Christmas Eve is tomorrow. You’re probably just making your mind up.

 

24th of December.

You’re going to march through that door, and I will hug you tight……….. any minute now. 

 

25th of December.

Put down that mug of Hot Chocolate, gone cold. Pack up the garlands, and the wreaths, and the Christmas tree. Put out the lights.

Half is half. It will never be whole. 

 

’tis the season to… accept that you are not coming back.